FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE
Is it true that the mother is presumed to get custody of the child? No.
People may be thinking from the Britney Spears case that you have to
drop your kids from your arms, drive without a license, be drunk in
public, and be addicted to drugs before you can lose your kids. Not so.
The question is who can provide the care that is in the best interests
of the child. That could be both parents, or the mother, or the father,
or, if neither is a fit parent, someone else.
Does joint custody have to mean 50/50 parenting time? No.
And also, the "every other weekend" scheme is a bit tired out as well.
Within those two extremes is a spectrum of many scenarios. One client
is often out of town, so his parenting time is two weekends a month
flexibly scheduled. One sees his kids for one overnight one week and
three overnights the next week and every Tuesday night for dinner but
no overnight. One does a "three days with one parent, four days with
the other parent" and then switches it each week. Depending on your
schedules and your kids' ages and needs, you can fashion whatever works
for you.
Do you believe that, between sole custody and joint custody, one option is better than the other? No
matter what that old adage says about absence making the heart grow
fonder, I disagree in this context. Parental absence makes the
parent-child relationship fade, or at the very least, sets one parent
up to do all the dirty work and the other to be the Disneyland parent a
few days a month. I am a big fan of joint custody whenever possible. It
took two people's efforts to create a child, and it is usually
better-in my personal view-to have two people contribute relatively
equally to raising the child. I believe, and this is just Matthew House
talking, not the law or psychology, that unequal parenting time creates
distance between children and the less-involved parent.
Whether you have joint or sole custody, can you attend events for your children that fall outside your parenting time? Yes, unless a court has ordered otherwise.
As I stated earlier, children are not property. They are not a rental
car to be returned at 12:00 noon the next business day. When people are
married, there is no distinction of parenting time. The whole day is
both parents' parenting time. In divorce, parenting time is established
to give each parent some "alone time" with the children. But with a
football game or a piano recital, the parent who has parenting time is
not getting to be alone with the children anyway-there is a crowd of
strangers also watching. It makes no difference whether the other
parent is there, and it also gives the children more people in their
"village" of supporters at those activities, of which they shouldn't be
deprived just because the parents start to get possessive during
divorce.
Should we celebrate holidays together? Yes
and no. I think the first set of holidays (first Thanksgiving, first
Hanukkah, first Christmas) after the divorce should be as routine as
possible. The kids should wake up in the same house, do the same
things, and spend time with the same people as usual-even if that means
one spouse's extended family and not the other. The years thereafter,
there should be an alternating schedule. One possibility is that the
children can spend part of their time on each holiday with each
parent-have Thanksgiving with Mom, then go holiday shopping the next
day with Dad, or alternate Thanksgivings, Christmases, etc. Some kids
are intent on spending at least a few hours on Christmas, for example,
with each parent. Saying "Mom has you on Christmas Eve and Dad has you
on Christmas Day" is not good enough for those kids because they want
to celebrate the day and show off their presents to both parents, just
as they always have done. I don't want to go to mediation because I
still want to reconcile, and I worry that I'll commit myself to an
outcome I'm not sure I want. Am I right to be concerned about that? NO!
First, keep in mind that mediated agreements are not binding at any
point before, during, or at the conclusion of mediation. What you do
with your proposed agreement is entirely up to you. Get legal counsel
and file it in court, or put it in a dresser drawer to be used as an
informal guide only when necessary. You are not bound by the terms of
your mediated agreement until both of you collectively choose to be.
Do clients ever reconcile before mediation is finished? Yes. Frequently, when couples see that they can sit with a facilitator and
come to agreements, they understand that their marriage is not
irretrievably broken. The cooperative process that Mr. House facilitates makes possible an open line of communication
that the couple had never tapped into before. Granted, many people
still get a divorce, and Mr. House shepherds people through
that process as well, but as often as spouses want reconciliation, it
is an option we try to bring about. To use mediation, do I have to be getting a divorce?
No. Mediator Matthew House can assist you and your spouse
in coming to an agreement that does not result in divorce
and may not necessarily lead to divorce. A separation agreement will
provide you with clarity between now and the time you decide to
divorce, which you may or may not do, at your option.
To become separated or divorced in Oregon, do I need to be able to prove fault by my spouse?
No, and the court will not consider it as grounds for a divorce or in
determining a property settlement. The court may consider fault to the
extent that it is relative to a child custody determination.
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